I, Matthew Vito, being of sound mind and fabulous, cock-diesel body, do hereby make, publish, and declare this as my Last Will and Testament, hereby revoking any and all Wills heretofore made by me. This includes the previous Last Will and Testement hastily scribbled on the toilet paper of the third stall of St. Philips and James parochial school, just before Joey Simione busted in and applied numerous dunkings of my head into the commode, heretofore known as the "Simione Monster Swirlie."

Article I. Regarding the Disposal of the Fabulous Cock-Diesel Body

The Fabulous Cock-Diesel Body of the deceased shall be lain in the central market of wherever the deceased last recieved "nookie", whereupon four horses will be tied (separately) to the deceased's limbs and set in the four directions of the compass, thereby quartering the deceased, and making a killer splash. The rider of the horse attached to the deceased's left arm — his make-out arm — shall herein be known as the "Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies." In accordance with the deceased's last wishes, Billy Dee Williams (hereafter known as General Calrissian) shall be appointed the title "Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies." (addendum 1: further stipulations on the Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies).

After the Drawing and Quartering, the deceased's limbs shall be collected and ground into a fine powder, mixed with Jell-O brand gelatin — flavor to be decided by a race around the continent in helium airships — and molded to the form of the deceased, complete with dashing smile and exaggerated erection. The body shall be delived to the burial site via catapult or trebuchet.

The remainder of the deceased's body shall be wrapped — calzone-like — in floured dough and riccota cheese, and buried at the exact site of death. As the deceased has requested, ten clowns of remarkable hilarity shall be buried alive with the deceased's torso, so that he may be entertained in the afterlife. (addendum 2: further stipulations on the Ten Servant Clowns of Remarkable Hilarity)

Article II. Regarding the Funeral Procession of the Deceased

The funeral procession from the general vicinity of the deceased's catapulted, molded Jell-O body's landing to the vicinity of final services shall be assembled in the following fashion:

The priest, deacon, reverend, or shaman of the deceased's choice shall lead the procession.

Second in procession shall be the Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies, Colt 45 (the beverage) in one hand, Colt .45 (the handgun) in the other. The Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies shall be required every fifty feet to take a large swallow of Colt 45 and exclaim (as stipulated in Article 1, addendum 1) "Works every time" — punctuated by pistol shots aimed at umpa-lumpas, launched skeet-like over the procession.

Third in procession shall be the multitude of offspring generated from the loins of the deceased (before his demise)

Fourth in procession shall be the multitude of offspring generated from the deceased's 3205 semen samples taken throughout his lifetime.

Fifth in line shall be the child actors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, returned to pre-adolescence by the wonders of science developed by the deceased.

Sixth in line shall be the remaining semen samples of the deceased, carried in several buckets and dispersed to selected women in the gathered crowd, per approval of the Master of Smooth, Refreshing Ceremonies, who from herein shall also be known as Keeper of the Semen of the Vito.

Seventh in line shall be the Jello-O molded remains of the deceased, contained in a glass coffin atop which shall sit the Santa Claus.

Article III. Regarding the Funeral Ceremony of the Deceased

As stipulated by the deceased, the Funeral Ceremony shall be held outside, so that overhead satellite photos may be taken of female attendees cleavage. These pictures shall be developed, framed, and hung about the event area as the funeral progresses. Afterwards, the pictures shall be delivered by the Santa Claus the following Christmas to teenage boys around the world.

The eulogy shall be delivered via ventriloquist dummy dressed as the deceased, with the requirement that the following "zingers" are contained within the speech:

a) "When I was growing up, My dad was literally white trash — he was made of PVC piping." (rimshot)

b) "They used to say, 'Hey, Little Vito, What do you look for in a woman?', and I would say 'Cedar'". (rimshot)

c) "Once I went to the proctologist. I said, 'My ass is itchy and burning, is it hemhorroids?' and he said, 'No, your ass is on fire.' (rimshot). Thanks folks, you've been a great crowd."

At the end of the ceremony, all attendees shall be required to partake in a spoonful of the deceased's molded Jell-O body, with the exception of the aforemention "Santa Clause", who will be force-fed the deceased's genitals, and the genitals of the aforementioned Ten Servant Clowns of Remarkable Hilarity. Following this, the age-old rite of Primo Noctre ("First Night", as seen in the feature epic, Braveheart) shall be enacted for exactly 2 minutes and 31 seconds.

Following the lightning round of Primo Noctre, the ceremonial pinata, in the likeness of the deceased will be wacked by only 19 year old virgins dressed in thong panties. (young male virgins).

Before the congregation is let out, all attendees are required to bow their heads for a moment of silent reflection on the lyrics of "Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe, while a recording of the deceased (reciting the lyrics) plays in the background. (addendum 3: further stipulations on the pre-recording of "Poison.")

Article IV. Regarding the Final Disposal of the Deceased's Body

After the final ceremony, and the consumption of the Jell-O mold in the form of the deceased, the previously buried body of the deceased, and the Ten Servant Clowns of Remarkable Hilarity shall be removed from the ground and brought to the place of final disposal. The deceased shall then be placed upon a funeral pyre as attendees gather around and proclaim, in these exact words, that "The Dark Lord of the Sith has fallen."

During the burning of the deceased's disintered body, any of the Ten Servant Clowns of Remarkable Hilarity who survived their previous burial shall be required to ride small tricycles through a loop-de-loop, and off a ramp directly into the funeral pyre.

As the deceased burns in the aforementioned funeral pyre, an episode of ESPN's highest rated aerobics program at the time must be filmed live in the backdrop of pyre. Though there is no specified number of gyrating, leotard clad women, there must be at least one leotard clad Asian man, fully capable of the routine and loving every minute of it.

When the body of the deceased and the Ten Servant Clowns of Remarkable Hilarity have reached the final stages of cremation, the gathered crowd must begin chanting "McCulloch", and somehow finish chanting "Vito".

Article IV. Regarding the Wake Following the Deceased's Funeral

An exact body double of the deceased will be required to jump out from behind the curtains during the wake, shouting "Hey, I forgot my wallet!" or one of the following phrases:

a) "Get out of my house!"

b)"Bite the pillow monkey, ba-ba!"

c)"Where's that Santa Claus? He ate my balls!"