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The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:

"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."

I Saw Three Lawyers Come Sailing In...

Last week I was strolling about, humming a tune I made up in my head when I thought to myself: Why... this mirthful little dirge would make a fantastic Christmas carol! And so, tearing open the shutters of my computer, and throwing up the sash of... my... guitar, I hurriedly recorded my humming.

Moments later, I was sure I had the tune to a classic on my hands. And I did. It was "I Saw Three Ships".

Not to be discouraged by my exuberant plagiarism, I started writing a new tune, and the accompanying lyrics. Soon I had pieced together a mighty Christmas tale to add to the already bloated canon of novelty Christmas songs, thus saving Christmas. Take a listen. An Eye-listen:

A Christmas Deposition

On a wint'ry eve a jingling sound
did wake me from my bed;
And quietly I crept downstairs
my heart all full of dread.

I must admit I wasn't fit
for foiling burglaries
My judgment's poor when I take all four
pills for my STD's.

But to my surprise a merry sprite
was the author of the sound!
Yet in my haste an antique vase
I had smashed on Santa's crown.

All Christmas Cheer made Christmas Fear
by accidental fury;
Made worse next day when he came awake
while his body I did bury.

The pleading yelps of that spry old elf
brought the neighbors all a-prying;
It was tough to explain the blows I'd rained
on Saint Nick with all his crying.

In appellate court my case was sunk
by that Jolly Old Defendant
My empassioned plea didn't work 'cause he
gave the jury extra presents.

I waited, shamed, 'till the verdict came,
to sit with knocking knees.
A guilty count of attempted
Santacide and Battery.

Then, with magic pace, a fireplace
Santa's lawyer elves erected
Through which he rose, finger to his nose
not the one that I expected.

Now I slave each day so I can pay
my legal obligations
So remember me when you trim the tree
I fund your celebration.

But How Does It Go?

I thought you'd say that. Which is why I asked my good chum and musical enthusiast Ian Corey to record a version for me to post, so that the children of the world can join hands together and lift their sweet angelic voices in song. Heralding, I think that's called.

» A Christmas Deposition, by Ian Corey (MP3, 3.3 mb)

The mirthful Mr. Corey also recorded a ringtone, so that your phone can Herald as well. Though if it's coming from a phone, that might be harking. Or hearkening:

» A Christmas Deposition Ringtone, by Ian Corey (M4R, 2kb)

The best of holiday wishes to you all from those of us here at Bearskinrug! Well... mostly me. Ernie is busy barking at anything made of matter, and Mojo and Lewis went out to do some drinking and holiday vandalizing.

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