The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:
"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."
My Dog is a Wiener
As has been documented elsewhere in pictures, Kim and I recently got a dachshund named Ernie.
We brought him home about ten days ago, when he was approximately 8 weeks old. Amongst zoologists and canine-centric communities, a dog this age is known as a puppy. About three years ago, when I left full-time employment to sit at home and chew my fingers all day, I had attempted to raise a puppy of the Labrador Retriever variety. However, this proved too much for my cubbyhole brain to handle — what with the entire new career I was trying to start — so I brought the lab back to the breeder after two sleepless days. Ernie, however, is safely past the point of ever being returned. Especially now that he's the only one who is willing to kill spiders, and go under the couch to dust.
That's not to say the first few days weren't rocky. But with a little luck, we've arrived at a routine that works for all of us. Here's Ernie's schedule:
- Get woken up by MAN.
- Go outside and make MAN talk happy by getting rid of used WATER and FOOD.
- Go inside and make MAN talk happy by picking up THINGS HE THROWS, or talk angry by picking up THINGS HE DOESN'T THROW.
- Go back into STRANGE BOX I CAN'T GET OUT OF and whine until I fall asleep.
As you can see, it's pretty simple. Occasionally there's an extra bit added where he eats or drinks out of the METAL HOLE ON THE FLOOR. He's given verbal approval of this schedule, but we have nothing in writing. Still, I think it's enough to be enforced in a civil court case.
The Waffles Report
The Waffles maintain their strict policy of being a big, barking jerk to anything and anyone they see. Their territoriality is making it difficult for Ernie to make me "talk happy" when we go outside, but hopefully he'll get over it.
The Mojo Report
Mojo seems rather unaffected by this additional member of the household. Probably because I haven't given him any responsibilities, based on his previous track record of animal handling:
This concludes the Ernie Report. We now return to our regularly scheduled Bearskinrug Programming. People wearing hats and cursed leprechauns, you know, that kind of crap.
Comments on this Article
There are currently 28 comments.
3. testMonkey
Bu it's a tasteful nude. Didn't you explain that to him ahead of time? That way things remain lose and flaccid.
4. bearskinrug
I tried to explain, but it just comes out as MAN "talks too long".
6. bearskinrug
Hmmm...he appears to have penciled that in for Thursday.
Oh dear...
7. MattLat
Ernie is such a great name for a Dachshund. Some might go for more of the irony route... "Conan the Destroyer" or "The Incredible Hulk" kind of thing, but I think that's just trying too hard.
Ernie's a good name... and it sounds funny (Sorry to all you people named Ernie out there. If I laugh at you when I hear your name, just pretend it's because I really like Sesame Street)
8. Zaihan K.
You know Kevin, going by the schedule you posed, I have reason to believe that you're being quite the abusive owner. If you don't treat Ernie with the dignity he deserves, I'm afraid I'll have to call in Lorena Bobitt to remove your wiener by force!
9. Zaihan K.
By the way, that's an awfully tiny dog you got Mojo walking. What is it, a micro-wiener? Hehehe...
10. BIgA
Was one fo the driving forces behind selecting this particular breed, Norm Macdonald's wiener dog observations?
11. bearskinrug
Mattlat - Haha - yeah, we thought about names for a long time. Kim also liked "Milton". :D
Zaihan K. - Yeah... I suppose that IS a rather tiny version of an already tiny dog... Mojo is essentially walking a fetus.
BigA - Naw - the driving force was that Niff's parent's wiener dog got pregnant. I don't know if I ever heard Norm MacDonald speak on wiener dogs...
13. Russer Butter
Excellent, now all that is needed is a little disobedience training the next time I am over and my plan to drive you out of you mind will be complete.
See you Saturday.
14. bearskinrug
Crap. I'll have to make a decoy dog. I'll use that old vacuum cleaner, and the oven mitt that looks like a dog!
15. Russer Butter
Here doggy, come here boy. No stop cleaning the floor. Bad dog, baaad dog bake me a pie.
16. mr chips
I too have a dachshund. He's called Rusty but I refer to him as 'Trevor' or 'Hovis' on the account that he looks like bread.
19. bearskinrug
That's what I keep telling Kim, but she still doesn't think it's worth sending him to those tae kwon do classes.
21. Blolive
Cute hot-dog dog. But I am saddened that you gave up your labrador. I have had a few in my lifetime, and I will admit, they are super insane and tend to have a lot of drool - but you gotta love 'em. I can't imagine my life without them!
Have you dressed Ernie up in a hit dog bun yet?
23. bearskinrug
Actually, Kim DID have the idea of making him a coat that had a squiggle of yellow down the back, like mustard...
24. tapioka
Oh, i wish my boyfriend would buy me a ernie-dog. he is so adorable. and he would fit into my bike-basket..but i guess he is already fed up with hamster paul, mali the cat and my hermit crabs....but if he annoys you some day, i would be honored and glad to care for ernie. ;o)
25. bearskinrug
I'd wager Ernie would definitely like riding in a bike-basket. He seems to enjoy thrill-rides, judging by his tendency to want to squirm out of my arms 4 feet off the ground.
26. Craig
Here's a tip for you fellow dog owners:
Tie a CD on a bit of string near your window. My dogs love chasing the mysterons across the floor. It keeps them entertained for hours!
27. bearskinrug
Excellent tip!
It could probably also work with an extremely shiny fish :D
28. BrownStone Iv
by jove i think you've finally cracked it. bravo old bean, bravo.
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1. Shane
Earnie looks a bit scared in your drawing?
but I'm sure he's glad to of joined your family, what with all the new responsibilities like, killing spiders and all, he should feel like somewhat of a hero, at least in my eyes he does...
If he had a hand I'd give him a hi-five!