The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:
"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."
Kevin Cornell is leaving the Country!
On the morrow, I leave for Ottawa, to attend their annual animation festival. I have never visited before — so this will be an exciting learning experience. In the spirit of that, I have compiled some facts to help educate myself about the trip, as well as amaze the mind and delight the senses!
The distance from Philadelphia to Ottawa is approximately 450 miles. We intend to cover this distance in 8 and a half hours.
Should we decide to abandon the preferred method of locomotion — motorcar — and instead choose to ride horses, the trip to Ottawa would last approximately 3 days.
As I have mentioned before, I am not the most seasoned of riders. So estimating a fall every 45 minutes, there's a 57% chance of an open wound or abrasion, a 30% chance of a fracture, and a slim .01% chance of friction-related horse combustion.
Should none of us feel confident enough to ride a horse and risk the chances of hoof-related trauma, we may choose to travel by wagon train. In which case, our trip should last approximately 2 weeks, provided we can find a competent and friendly indian guide.
There is a 95% chance that we will avoid becoming snowbound in the mountains; which should be a comforting figure, yet it is most certainly not. Because of my higher fat-to-mass ratio, but diminished physical strength, one could extrapolate a 5% chance that my companions will overpower and eat me, rather than face the noble and considerate course of mutual starvation. I'd prefer to die on the exploding horse, to tell you the truth.
Should the wagon train, horse, or automobile route all prove fruitless, and we decide to each ride 1 doughnut to Ottawa, we stand to arrive in approximately 2 months. That's 3,200,475 individual doughnut rotations.
Of course, this is purely hypothetical, in that I would probably prefer to ride either an apple fritter or coffee roll — their larger circumference would allow me to cover more distance in less revolutions; and their sweet, hydroscopic outer-coating would guarantee less chafing of the inner thighs and genitals.
Well, as one should always expect when math is involved, this article has been a BLAST! I'll be back next week, or the week after that, or October 18th, or mid-January. In the meantime, someone feed the comments while I'm out. John Nick — you're in charge. You can have 2 Freezy Pops from the freezer. The younger kids aren't allowed to watch TV after 9.
Comments on this Article
There are currently 19 comments.
2. bearskinrug
I am now! *kevin removes Framed Picture of Mom from suitcase, adds Goggles*
3. John Nick
Oh NO! I fed all the Purina Comment Chow to Waffles next door.
Um, must improvise.
Hmm.
Purina Monkey Chow?
Tater Tots?
7. testMonkey
What, pray tell, is the percentage of a chance that there would be spontaneous friction-related doughnut combustion? 'Cause that would smell awesome!
10. RonaldB
Now, I saw these smoking remains of a horse's legs and thought: "I wonder what he's come up with to illustrate with that...".
Friction-related horse combustion: of course! Great one, Kevin, although I understand less and less about how your mind works...
12. Jared
Spontaneous horse combustion is probably the best excuse to not finish drawing a horse.
14. kevinfitz
SWEET!! DAD'S GONE!! WE CAN WRECK THE HOUSE AND HAVE A PARTY WITH STRIPPERS!!!
I like the exploding horse.. especially the shading away from the explosion.. very choice. have fun on your excursion. -kmf
15. niff
KEV, just don't try bring a doughnut if you are gonna ride that horse becuase your horse will eat it and you will not have the manliness to stop him.
cry baby!
Mojo is SO going to get with Kim. You better have put him in a cage.
16. DD wishmore
Have Fun on your trip. Honestly, though, I don't see how your stuff could get any better...
17. Kooby
Is this Ottawa, Canada you speak of? If so, that is where I live! I hope you enjoy it here.
Apart from that, I love your artwork, comics, etc! I've been watching your site for a year or two now. It is fabulous. :D Keep up the snazzy work! ;)
18. B
Canada eh? Traveling to a strange foreign country can be daunting. Hopefully these helpful travel tips will smooth things along:
* Don't forget the Export Certificate for your Horse(s).
* Pay attention to the USDS's Tips for Travelers to Canada such as the maximum importation limit of 20kg/person up to a $20 value of cheese (except if packed in whey, of course), and that wood carvings must be free of bugs and insects.
Oh, and you'll need a hunters permit for any carcasses!
- another Canadian fan.
19. Daniel
It should read "...their larger circumference would allow me to cover more distance in FEWER revolutions." I'm ashamed for your beauty college professors/amateur proctologist club comembers.
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1. The Colonel
MIght I add the travel option of rocket sled?
You may significantly increase the risk of death by bug in the eye, but you should be fine so long as you remembered to pack goggles.
You are taking goggles... aren't you?