The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:
"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."
A Second Helping
Last post I put up a series of sketches drawn while on vacation. If you recall, things ran a little longer than intended, so I decided to serve up the selected drawings in two delicious courses. While writing up this second installment, it occurs to me that this post is much raunchier and lower class than the previous one. I would go so far to say, that if I was obliged to have parental warnings, this post would require Parental Supervision and contain Adult Situations. But thankfully, I answer to no higher regulatory commission than Mojo, so as you can see, I decided to start with a sure-fire crowd pleaser — nude torsos!
In the Dominican Republic, international rules apply to breast adornment, so there was nothing stopping our European counterparts from baring all. In most cases, the topless bather was of the undesirable sort; the majority were a bit long in the tooth, and appeared to have wet-nursed vacuums. But one day, whilst swimming in the ocean, we noticed a gaggle of bare-bosomed lasses at the far end of the beach who had been highly decorated in the war against gravity. And judging by the amount of beach-going men, casually drifting towards that end of the beach, we were not the only ones to have detected them. My companions and I, however, kept our heads and remained in the ocean.
Living in the United States, you become very accustomed to not seeing exposed breasts, unless you're somewhere naughty, or plan to do something naughty, or hiding something naughty under the stack of Ranger Ricks in your bookcase. There are only a select pair of occupations where the exposed bosom can recede into the background of your consciousness, and merely be "another body part"; those two occupations being Doctor, and Artist.
I truly believe that years of life drawing classes have allowed me the skill of becoming totally indifferent to the novelty of nudity. Some would mourn that loss; yet I believe it helped me get through numerous bachelor parties with my soul still intact. Not to mention my wallet. And, hell, maybe my bloodstream.
The Best Worst Friend
The subject of topless women also brought to mind a friend from my youth, who was the classic example of the buddy your parents aren't glad you're buddies with. I feel that the brief description I wrote above does a good job of summing up the key points of the relationship. If you were a boy, growing up in the eighties, you probably had a friend JUST like that.
A Piddling Symphony
It seems the act of relieving oneself isn't near exciting enough for Stan, who emerged from the bathroom in Miami with the clever concept illustrated above. Apparently, the idea was sparked by the fact he personally feels he has a large bladder, which is feasible, considering his hands and facial features are enlarged as well. So Stan suggested the urinal industry start making toilets that allow you to measure your output, similar to how a "Test Your Strength" carnival act works. Then, having disgorged a brilliant idea, he did the "tap, tap tap" gesture in his hand, which I've come to know means Well? What are you waiting for? Write that down in your dumb, wiener book.
Other remarks we dashed-off to accompany each measurement milestone:
What A Drip!
Urine the Big Leagues Now!
Hail, Ye of Mighty Bladder
I myself do not use urinals, because my preference for personal space yields only nervous dangling if someone were to sidle up beside me. So, should someone ever decide to put the Santa Maria Urinal Measurement System into production, and were I to receive some kind of co-creator royalty, I would be doomed to never enjoy the fruits of my labor — much like Beethoven and his later symphonies. If Beethoven was alive, we'd hive-five right now.
The Half-Real, Half-Fantasy Bag
This final drawing came about as we were getting ready to depart from the Dominican Republic. I had begun to draw Stan's luggage, when they called our gate. So, later on, I had to make up how the rest of his luggage looked. As you can see, his real luggage is really just a handle for his bag, and some lame neck pillow. Not too extraordinary. But the made-up part of his luggage is absolutely brimming with imaginary illegal produce he smuggled out of the country. I myself was shocked when I made that up. Some of those fruits are actually firearms as well.
False Alarm, Mom
So that concludes the selection of sketches from my vacation. Now that I've come to the end, I guess it really isn't as lowbrow as I thought. So if you actually did call your parents over to read this with you, it probably wasn't necessary. But on the brightside, you just put in some serious quality time with the 'rents — they're probably amending their will right now, bringing you one step closer than your other siblings to inheriting the fine china. I mean really... they don't have near as many extravagant dinner parties as you... and they don't even have a decent hutch to display the damned things.
Comments on this Article
There are currently 34 comments.
2. sprout
2nd, Not to bad! But they do say 2nd is just the first loser. So, hey, I am first!
I just want to say that I always enjoy checking out your site. You're a pretty funny guy.
3. anaglyph
The European Beach Ladies look so darn happy. I want to BE THERE. And not just because of the bare bosoms, though that wouldn't be too much of a trial either.
4. anaglyph
Also, I just make the assumption that Mojo wasn't actually with you on your trip, because he doesn't appear in the sketches with the nude ladies. Or was it just that THOSE sketches would really have pushed it into the XXX rating?
5. Dibyo
I expect this will drive up your site visitor stats... especially when you put TOPLESS and EUROPEAN in the same paragraph! I like the urinal one.. Reminds me of one from my college loo.... "If you can touch this line, please get in touch with the Fire Brigade"
6. bearskinrug
Bandelin - Well, I can't participate in ANY watersports... all my sketchbook pages would bleed. A-duh! ;)
Sprout - Thanks!
Anaglyph - Yeah, we can't bring Mojo abroad anymore. They won't let him on any planes. Not because he poses any danger, mind you — he just tends to somehow get on the outside of the plane during flight.
Dibyo - Good observation. After all, it's happened before.
7. Jerry
Long before Stan entered that Miami toilet, there was a peeing game here [click on my name].
8. John Nick
Apparently, Mojo DID manage to tag along. It's just that a DIFFERENT ARTIST captured his shenanigans.
9. BigA
Firstly, please tell me that the young lady setting her top free is wearing a bikini bottom. I only ask because some European ladies have grooming issues. Secondly, I too knew a Joey and in fact I had throwing stars. Silver with red dragons painted on them. I also had a Rambo knife (kind with a hallow handle housing fishing line you can use to sew your friend's head up after the silver throwing star with the red dragon painted on it slips). Hmm...was I a Joey *gasp*. Lastly, are you sure that's a neck pillow and not Stan's giant bladder?
10. TheJones
South Beach is a "top optional" beach, You would think that Miami could turn out some nice beach going naturalists, but no.
Also I prefer THIS urinal.
11. Jason Santa Maria
My competitive bladder withstanding, that's actually Liz's luggage. Pffft, some artist!
12. the Brightside
I went to Martinique with my parents when I was 13 or so, and I found out there was a Nudity Tide. From nine in the morning until around two, it was the Nubile Beach Ladies. After 2 o'clock, I guess the Matlock marathon went off, and out came the naked septuagenarians.
I blame the moon.
13. the Brightside
Did you run into the Bathing-Suit Saleswoman perchance? The gorgeous 20-something who just swaps out bikini tops in front of you, using her firm globes to hypnotize you into buying a new swimsuit?
Strangely the European Beach Ladies would always find one they like, buy it, then cram it in a duffel bag for the rest of the trip and go al fresco. I was wondering if this was a common beach practice in the Carribean. Because I might have to hit Travelocity if it is.
15. joesplanet
So is the "dumb, weiner book" a separate sketchbook dedicated solely to urinal concepts?
Speaking of dumb weiners, my wife has noticed on foreign vacations that, when clothing is optional, one can always find "a German guy frying his weiner."
17. Merritt
Ah yes, I remember ranger Rick Rick getting me through many lonely adolescent nights...
Stan, I totally know where you're coming from. Many times I have to pinch it off mid-stream and jump over to the next urinal. Which is really awkward if someone else is already there.
18. Travo
"wet-nursed vacuums" - brilliant! - I nearly spat my water out over my keyboard. Stan is also on to something with his urinal measuring system - it's a good way to encourage men to exercise the old prostate.
19. Jared
Ranger Rick? Very random. Wow. That just made me think of my old Wildlife Treasury cards.
20. sutter
one of the topless european ladies was wearing a thong and she looked at me. it was from a great distance but i could tell.
21. bearskinrug
John Nick - He DOES have that hat.
BigA - Haha - you totally were a Joey [ blank ]. Think of all the lives you've ruined... tsk, tsk...
Thejones - That's all well and good, but without proper officiating, how can it be a FUN game?
Brightside - Haha :D Nudity Tide. Nice concept!
Jared - I don't think we want to encourage anyone to come over the bowl brim. Some of us have EXPENSIVE shoes.
Joesplanet - That's one body part I would never risk to burn. I'm not even sure if it's BEEN in direct sunlight before.
Merritt - Well, you are an admiral. You should be able to hold at least a vessels-worth in your bladder.
Travo - I didn't realize you had to exercise your prostate! Mine's just been eating chips on the couch for MONTHS!
Jared - What good are THEY? You can't hide any porno under them.
Sutter - Oh... that explains why she waved, and then wrote her number on a turtle and sent it swimming out to us. You ol' smoothie...
23. bearskinrug
Well, that's a nice surprise — it actually ruined Cpt. Tom Fisher's day...
27. randallard
Wow - this inserted art is great! You must be able to draw whenever you get an idea, and have it turn out like the idea...
That's cool.
28. randallard
'sketchful comments' might be a better way to say it...
'inserted art' - pfft.
Some people are just not creative on the fly.
30. Jared
Actually, if you burn your porn to a CD, you can easily hide in it your Wildlife Treasury.
31. bearskinrug
I don't know... dependent on if she found it or not, burning my porn was my mom's policy.
32. anaglyph
Ah.... Mojo looks so proud! I hafta send him some photos of the rivets on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Hmmm. On the other hand, maybe that's not such a good idea...
33. preston
so what's with the security guard peeing off the balcony? is that what became of 'joey'?
34. bearskinrug
Well, he just was standing there while I was laying on the beach... so he was actually the first drawing on the page. He did nothing of interest, however. Except foiling those poachers.
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1. bandelin
In my case, all the bridsmaids went topless..oh yeah, the bride too (although I missed that one).
And god dammit, of all the shit to do like jet skiing, swimming, fake rock climbing, making fun of the french we were playing beach baseball with who didnt know the rules to baseball, etc. you spent around a thousand bucks to sit on the beach and DRAW. HA - I laugh at you.
I'm saving that urinal drawing though - that's some good stuff.