The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:
"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."
Recently, my house had a break-in. Luckily, however, the dastardly perpetrators were my wife and I. But even before I stood poised before my door, brick in hand, ready to smash the window, I had been doing some thinking about my problem-solving skills. After the smashing, I couldn't get my mind off the subject.
If it ain't broke...
See, in some way, I created this situation myself. The lock on the door just stopped working, I suppose because it's getting old. Now, at one time or another since I moved in, I had considered changing the locks on the doors. If I actually DID that, the new lock probably would never had broken; or at least I could have had the proper key to enter the side door. But I didn't do it. I figured, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
I'd also considered getting the garage door replaced, and getting one of those space-age "remote controls" that allow you to open the door from the outside. Again — I didn't pursue it. Why not? Because I thought "Why spend the money on it if I could get by for a little longer?"
If you think it, it might come
So, it occurs to me now that there really are some fantasy problems you need to just solve, before they become actual problems. I imagined I could get locked out, but never prepared for it. My computer makes daily (sometimes hourly) threats about shutting down forever, and flushing its contents down the cyber-toilet. And as for the non-cyber toilet, at some point that small leak in the base's sealant might just decide to become a big leak.
No fantasy is too fantastic!
And the possibilities don't stop there. It occured to me while playing Grand Theft Auto that I should carry the parachute around with me at all times, just in case. And then I thought to myself — why not do that in real life? How often am I somewhere that it's possible for me to have a fatal fall? All the time, that's when!!! Bridges, buildings, the occasional airplane flight — even driving on highways! There's a part of Route 395 in Baltimore (heading into the inner harbor) where every time I see it I think "God, I'd hate to drive off of there!" Now, when I finally do, I'd at least be able to TRY and not plunge to my death.
The Kevin Cornell Happy Living Kit
So, I've decided it would be a good idea to put together a kit of essentials to help me avoid fantasy problems. As you can probably guess, there's a parachute in there, but the useful items abound. Observe:
1 Pack of Immodium AD.
1 Oxygen Tank & scuba regulator.
1 Helmet (for traveling in an assortment of motor vehicles).
1 Athletic Cup (first thing people go for in a fight - the ol' testes).
1 Rawhide Chewtoy (this is in case I ever get attacked by a dog)
1 Box of Aluminum Foil (this has multiple uses - wrapping a freshly-killed deer, makeshift clothing, shaving mirror, and if a piece is held at just the right angle, i assume I could cut through things!)
Looking to the Future
So, as you can see, I'm finally getting things under control. The house is safe again, and all entrances are safely sealed. I honestly do plan to order a new computer in the next couple of days; one that turns on every single time I press the "ON" button. And I'll definitely be taking another look at a new garage door. Oh — and from now I'm gonna park my car a couple of yards down the street. Waffles, Waffles, and Waffles might only bark at the car now; but that's honestly just one small step from stealing it.
What?
Comments on this Article
There are currently 20 comments.
2. Jason Santa Maria
Only ONE pack of Immodium AD?!
Since when?
If you sneeze too hard you are likely to soil yourself.
3. Rob Weychert
You forgot an extra pair of socks in your survival kit. I think you know why...
5. Maarten
mmm... and a pocket knive. It IS useful.
And draw waffles. If not for me, do it for the safety of your home I swear I will kidnap your dog. Or your cat in case waffles is a cat.
PS: if waffles is a bird, you should consider asking a vet why it barks.
6. rachael
What about a bush? You never know when you'll need to hide or disguise yourself...
7. bearskinrug
The only reason I'd need the bush, is if I forget the Immodium AD...
8. hilm
I always take my tipi with me, its always nice to have a house on your back when u had a late party and cant find the way back home.
9. Jason Beaird
The department of homeland security has a few suggestions for your kit as well. Judging by the pictures, I'd say they want you to get a can of Tuna, a SARS mask, lots of drugs, and a white briefcase with a big red cross.
10. rachael
Oh, those wacky folks at homeland security... I bet they forgot to suggest a can opener. You can stare at the tuna hungrily, but forget about eating it.
11. niff
ROb beat me to it kevin, i was gonna ask why there was no sock on your list.
we ALL know how important your sock is....of course, if you are making a kit...why not just put a latex glove coated in toilette paper? what a great idea!!
ha.
12. art
How about a walkie talkie? that way, you can leave yer back-up crew of hitman-at-command at home. As we all know, driving around with a lot of people costs extra, not to mention carrying them on yer back...
15. bearskinrug
art - I wouldn't want to travel with MacGyver - he'd always be showing me up. And a Walkie-Talkie sounds good, but I can only carry so much stuff, and the aluminum foil and chewtoy are taking up ALL the room in my athletic cup.
16. Mike
You can certainly lighten your load of survival crap if you would just always remember to wear your Ninja suit your mom made you last summer. Find yourself in a pickle? Swoosh off your top layer of clothes and there you go. Ninja's are invincible in every circumstance—unless of course you find yourself at odds again with the drive-through guy at McDonald's who is secretly a Sumourai. (Cracker Jack Sumo & Deadly Samurai In one Ninja-hurting package) At the very least, wearing your Ninja suit while at The Home Depot, you could probably scare a discount out of the hardware guy on a set of new locks.
17. Maarten
Hey Kev, with what do you do your piles of poor wordplay? What's the greys in it? And do you just scan it in afterwards?
18. bearskinrug
Well, the greys are watercolor; the rest of the drawing is done in india ink, with a crowquill pen.
I let it dry before I scan it :)
19. art
Hm... After a long time of careful pondering, I have decided to invent a chewtoy with walkie talkie functions. It is only to be used in times of need, cause using a drooly walkie talkie would be no fun...
20. Leszek
I reckon a hitchhiker's-guide-to-the galaxy-style towel would do the trick
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1. Ian
This should be something you take with you, though not necessarily in a kit.
And just a heads up, next time you break into your house, steal your old computer and leave. Come back and surprisedly call the insurance company. Cha-ching, as they say.