The Professional Webspace of Designer and Illustrator Kevin Cornell:
"Design, Art, and Lackluster Humor."
I am... tolerant... of the outdoors. Being of fair-skin, highly susceptible to poison ivy, and generally scared of anything with more than four legs — or less than two legs (three legs are tolerable, as long as it's funny) — I shy away from nature. But lately I've had a couple run-ins that have forced more interaction than I'd normally have.
The Roaches
As you know, I recently traveled to North Carolina and spent a week in the "beach" environment. In the evenings, we'd usually play poker on the deck. One night, while out past dark, the Roaches came. It was a poor gamble on their part. I killed four, and left their corpses out as a message.
The Falcon and the Hare
I have been battling the ivy in my backyard for months now, and I was out weedwhacking them again, when I heard a loud rustle and crash. I looked over to see a rabbit (the animal) the size of a rabbit (the volkswagon) quivering not more than five feet away. And swooping out of my vision to the left was the pterodactyl (disguised as a falcon) that had attempted to grab Mister Flops. The fiercesome bird perched a couple feet away and stared back down at the rabbit. We all stood still for a minute or so, waiting for someone to break the awkward moment. I forced a moderately clever, off-the-cuff bon mot with the weed-whacker; both animals zoomed off.
The Grain Moths
Now, I'm pretty anal about my food. I don't like it when bugs are near it, on it, or preparing it. So when I noticed two or three tiny grey bugs fluttering around the pantry, I figured I'd find out why they were there. So, after taking all the foodstuffs out, I eventually found the burlap sack of basmati rice filled to the brim with the moths. After a brief session of screaming and running, some internet research revealed these to be Grain Moths. The rest of the day was dedicated to removal, and the numbing of fear with alcohol.
The Bird Party
I have recently begun running again, as part of my effort to "not die". So I was plodding down the street at about 6:30 in the morning, and as I brushed by a set of bushes I look down to see a Rooster and a bunch of pigeons hanging out on the front steps. It looked like a kind of town meeting for birds, where they all get together to discuss the news of the day; relevant topics like feather care or the latest places seed has been dropped.
So I blundered into this party. Well, they were as surprised as I was, that's for sure. I perfectly executed the characteristic swerve surprised runners usually make for dogs, complete with the 250% increase in pace. The birds freaked out, flapping and bumping into each other like the Three Stooges in a mosh pit.
Now, I already knew that this house down the street had a rooster. Which is odd in itself because I don't live in a rural area; it's the relatively congested suburbs just outside of Philadelphia. And the house is pretty hoity-toity; a more appropriate pet that I'd expect these people to have would be a maid. Either way, they better keep an eye on their Rooster — he seems to be commiserating while they're all asleep.
Comments on this Article
There are currently 13 comments.
2. Mike Perves
One leg? Like a pogo stick?
That's not scary.
Anyway, you should devote your life to drawing birds playing poker.
3. bearskinrug
Ah Cicadas... The Prankster of the Animal Kingdom.
Well, the Cicada and the Leprechaun...
4. niff
Looks like your readership has gone to the same place as Stan has gone.
I like the 'Rex' comic
6. Pilm
They are trying to take over the world, those evil pigeons, i assure you. You don't wonder what they are discussing on the roofs of our very houses do you?
You did good to disturb that secret meeting, it was obvious that they were concocting some evil plan to hire some Cicadas to sting every unemployed illustrator in the hand.
Thank god i'm not an illustrator!
7. Stephen Schumacher
Enjoy nature as I do by sitting in the woods enjoyng the tranquillity of it and then putting an arrow into some poor woodland creature, gutting it, and then throwing its carcas in the back of my truck all the while listening to the soundtrack from Bambi.
8. bearskinrug
Do park rangers count as woodland creatures? I've shot two so far.
9. Mike Perves
Nothing could destoy a love-making seesion in the bucolic out-of-doors like seeing one of those hairy wolf spiders crawling across your lady friend's breast.
If it ever happens to you -take it from Mike- don't mention it until later.
Much later.
10. wayne
my previous post was an impersonation of kevin's recent contributions to this site. if i had known that going freelance would mean abandoning those of us who stare at bearskinrug all day waiting for an update, i wouldn't have supported telling the man where he could shove it.
11. wayne
(it should be noted that the aforementioned previous post was an empty post that has rightfully been disappeared)
13. wayne
no mutiny here. that wasn't me. it seems that someone has been impersonating me (i.e. "niffing") as well. or wait. maybe this is the comment where i'm being impersonated ("niffed"). i forget. maybe i am a mutineer.
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1. sutter
you forgot to mention when you went to pick up a seemingly dead cicada and it decided it was still alive and it buzzed in your hand and you flailed like you were drowning. man, that was funny.