Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Hibachi Grilling

So I'm back from vacation. And I got a long list of things to talk about. First on the list, if you haven't guessed, is hibachi grilling. Now, I've had hibachi food three times. The first time, it was fantastic. I knew everyone at the table, the food was great - great time. The second time was fun too, but I noticed something strange. An odd feature of hibachi grilling that was confirmed the third time I went (which was on this recent honeymoon trip).

HIBACHI FOOD is a SHAM.

Now I'm not a professional cook, but I watch Food Network a great deal and I do have taste buds. So I think - and if I'm too far out there let me know - that if you take different foods, cook them together with the same ingredients, and give people the same sauces to dip them in that they will taste EXACTLY the same.

"Mmm - these scallops taste like chicken - which tasted just like the steak - which tastes like soy! How ingenious!"

Hibachi cooks aren't cooks - they're just guys who learned how to flip their grilling utensils behind their back. They're the rejects from the chef school that sat in the back of the class and drummed with pencils while everyone else perfected souffles. Then, when they needed a job, they placed an ad in the paper:

Cook Needs Work. Can use Soy Sauce. Likes clapping.

Now, I'm not even getting into the forced socialization. Now, I'm a bit of a wallflower when it comes to large social groups. And on this trip in particular, I didn't want to meet "another couple from the East Coast". If I wanted to meet people from the Philadelphia, or New York, or Baltimore area, I had plenty of time and opportunity to do that before I left. So when Kim and I sat down to enjoy our hibachi meal, we suddenly had to deal with the social pressure to talk to everyone. "Crap," I thought, "Now I have to be shallow and talk about football so that I can feel comfortable enough to eat my meal."

But it turns out, I didn't have to. See, there were ten couples (including us). That meant that when all the couples matched up, one would be left over. Everyone could ignore us, but still enjoy stimulating conversations with the couple of their choice, and maybe even do some swinging after dinner. This couples musical chairs allowed me to internalize all the feelings of self-doubt and loathing I was afraid I wouldn't have a chance to repress, because of all the fun I would be having.

So that's my beef with Hibachi grilling. I'm not saying I'd never do it again, but definitely, I will ask for something that doesn't need to be grilled. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, maybe...

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1. p. dalkner

12.03.03 | 10:11 PM

isn't hibachi grilling the thing that frankie and annette did on the beach after a long day of surfing and dancing? no wait... i must be thinking of feeding seagulls alka seltzer. oh you crazy kids!!

2. akira spatula

12.04.03 | 2:52 PM

I'll have you know I went to hibachi school - The U of H (University of Hibachi in Southern Asia) and i am anything BUT a fake cook. In fact, i bet i could out-cook that Bam! schmuck on your precious Food Network any day of the week.